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Incest & Sexual Abuse–the Oldest Taboos

One of the oldest taboos in the civilized world may be that of incest. The Bible addresses this issue in 2 Samuel 13 with the story of Amnon and Tamar. Amnon was King David’s firstborn son. Tamar was his younger sister for whom he lusted. Amnon devised a plan to fake illness in order get the virgin Tamar to come to his residence to cook for him. He then lured her to his bedroom and raped her. Once finished, his lust turned to hatred. (This may be common in instances of incest, as it absolves the attacker of blame and places it on the victim. It also probably involves some transference of self-hatred as well.) He cast her out and shamed her. The passage says she “remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s home” (NKJV). Interestingly, it says that when David found out what Amnon had done, he was angry, but it doesn’t say that he took any action to provide justice for Tamar. That would have compounded the feelings of betrayal, injustice, and humiliation she must have felt. Several years later, Absalom murdered Amnon for his transgressions.

Approximately 90 percent of sexually abused children know their abuser. Incest is the cruelest betrayal of trust between a child and parent and understandably has emotionally devastating consequences. When an older sibling or relative is involved, it’s just a damaging. Sexually violating children is probably the worst evil most people will ever experience. When people who are supposed to protect you end up violating you, it is thoroughly destructive. Statistically one in three girls and one in six boys will suffer unwanted sexual experiences before the age of eighteen. That number is probably higher, as it is estimated that a high number of people never tell anyone they have been molested. Regardless, those conservative estimates alone translate into about 60 million people in our country having been victims of sexual abuse. Literally, everywhere you go, you will be in contact with someone who has suffered this fate. Look around you. In a room full of women, at least a third of them have been sexually abused as a child. This has to stop. If this is your legacy, you can stop it in your lineage by following some of the steps detailed throughout this book.

It’s estimated that up to 90 percent of all incest victims never tell anyone. Why? Because they are afraid of breaking up the family. Susan Forward and Craig Buck say, “Incest may be frightening, but the thought of being responsible for the destruction of the family is even worse.”

And the damage is even worse if the victim experiences any pleasure from these acts as their shame is magnified. Our bodies are designed to be sexual beings. In addition, it is biologically programmed to respond (often as a form of physical protection) to sexual acts even in cases of non-consent and assault. This causes many victims to feel responsible for the event. Understand, as a child you were always the victim, whether you derived pleasure or not. The adult is always the one to blame in those circumstances.

Additionally, people do not tell anyone because incest abusers are very adept at psychological manipulation and fear-mongering. They use threats and manipulation to keep their victims quiet.

Threats Used by Incest Abusers

Tell and I’ll kill you.

Tell and I’ll kill your parents/siblings/grandparents.

Tell and no one will believe you.

Tell and your mommy will be mad at (or hate) you.

Tell and people will think you are crazy.

Tell and I’ll go to jail and there won’t be anyone to support the family.

Survivors of incest often report feeling worthless, bad, dirty, and damaged. Depression is a common result of incest. Women especially may allow themselves to become overweight as adults. This serves two purposes: (a) she imagines it will keep men away from her, and (b) the body mass creates the illusion of power and strength. Like many victims of abuse, incest survivors frequently self-medicate their pain with drugs and alcohol.[i]

Men who have been sexually abused have a special set of challenges to deal with, as it strikes at the heart of their masculinity. Men are not supposed to be assaulted, vulnerable, dominated, raped, or controlled. They may feel emasculated or that they are destined to be a homosexual.

Men generally find themselves uncomfortable dealing with and expressing emotions. In part, it’s how they’re brought up. Any form of sexual abuse creates intense emotions. Here are some common emotions men feel in these situations:

  • Dehumanized—They feel like they have no value and constantly compare themselves to other men.
  • Shame—They transfer false shame and guilt to themselves.
  • Ambivalent—They can understand the emotion of anger, but not love. During the abuse they were feeling horrified and scared but also aroused. Their mind was saying, “This is not right,” but their body is designed to respond when stimulated.
  • Impotent—A word no man even wants to think about. They believe they have no voice—that no one will listen to them.
  • Disrespected—They don’t feel other men will respect them. That they will make fun of them. That they never measure up. Often they will become very promiscuous in an attempt to prove their masculinity (to themselves and the world).

Understand that incest affects its victims in very subtle and damaging ways. This is another type of abuse that may require very intense counseling in order to heal from. Don’t wait! The longer you put it off, the more difficult it becomes.

[i]Susan Forward, with Craig Buck, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (New York,: Bantam Books, 1989


Excerpted from Rick’s newest book, Overcoming Toxic Parenting: How to be a good parent when yours wasn’t, by Revell Publishing.

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Encouragement For all You Struggling Writers

I recently read a book titled, “teacher” The Henrietta Mears Story, by Marcus Brotherton.  In the Introduction section, Brotherton is describing the influence Donald Miller’s highly successful book, Blue Like Jazz, had on his friend’s widow shortly after he had passed away.  He talks about our simple and small influence in people’s lives being so alive it “thunders with reverberation even after a passage of time.”

In tracing the influence of ministry he uses Miller’s book as an example.  Miller’s first book, Prayer and the Art of Volkswagen Maintenance, sold so few copies that Miller considered giving up writing as a career.  What many people do not know is that his second book, mega hit Blue Like Jazz, also floundered desperately when it first came out—until Campus Crusade for Christ (now known as CRU) got a hold of it.  A staffer at CRUread the book and they soon ordered a total of 125,000 copies to put in their college Freshman Survival Kits.  This was a staggering launch forward for any young writer and solidified Miller’s writing career from then on.  The founder of CRU was Dr. Bill Bright.  CRU has reportedly touched the lives of over 3.4 billion people.  Bright also championed another young author, Ted Dekker, who went on to be the bestselling author of many novels.

So who influenced Bill Bright?  One of the major influences in his life was an elderly Sunday school teacher that no one has ever heard of (Henrietta Mears).  She had a major influence on the lives of many men such as Bill Bright and Billy Graham.  Because of her influence those men went on to influence billions of lives.

You never know who or how God is going to use your influence to make a difference in the world.  If you are a struggling writer, do not despair.  It only takes one person to change the fate of your book and the lives of all who come in contact with it.  Not only that but you are influencing unknown numbers people you will meet.  The question to ask yourself is, “Who are you being influenced by?”

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How Does a Writer Market Their Books?

How Does a Writer Market Their Book? That is the question everyone is asking. It seems as though in order to be successful today, a writer has to be part public relations specialist, part marketing guru, and part social network dweeb in order to keep up with changes in the industry. With all that, where does a writer find time to do what we all have a passion for—actually write?

In today’s market a writer is forced to promote themselves and their books in order to succeed and thus get another contract to write more books. Publishers want people (good writers or not) who have larger and more varied platforms from which to sell their books. That’s why even marginally talented pastors from big churches seem to get published with ease. Personally, I find self-promotion to be very uncomfortable. Unless you’re a narcissist it is often difficult to self-promote and still maintain your integrity (and not be annoying). I’d gladly do my craft and ministry for free if I could figure out how to pay the bills. But, our culture today values image over substance and notoriety over content. I know many agents and editors say that good writing is the key to getting published, and maybe so. But, good writing does not appear to successfully sell books. At least I have read many wonderfully written books that languished in obscurity while other books that weren’t worth the paper they were written on have sold millions of copies.

So here are some strategies that I have used (with varying degrees of success) to promote my ministry and writing. Like nearly all small businesses (which you are as a writer) I am underfunded and overworked. My challenge is to efficiently find ways to utilize the little amount of time I have effectively and economically. There are a plethora of great ideas I would like to and should do if I only had the time, money, and resources available (for instance I would love to do a daily or weekly radio program).

When I signed my first book contract, I was a completely unknown, naïve, and inexperienced writer. Literally, God put me in that circumstance. One thing I was smart enough to vow was that I would do absolutely everything in my power to develop positive relationships with everyone associated with the publishing of my book. I treated everyone I interacted with the respect and dignity that I would want to be treated—from editors, to graphic designers, to sales and marketing personnel. I truly believe that because the people at my publisher enjoy working with me that perhaps they give just a little extra for my cause than they might for other, less agreeable authors.

Perhaps the biggest (and most obvious) key to selling books is garnering exposure for the book and the author personally. Regardless of what one thinks of Rob Bell’s new book, it was a stroke of genius to get everyone’s panties in a bunch about its “controversial” content and thus garner millions of dollars of free publicity. Another way of getting exposure for a writer is to speak in front of audiences (the bigger the better—although any is better than none). This develops intimacy with your audience and gives you instant credibility (provided you are a half-way decent speaker). At conferences I sell a ton of books after speaking, and very few before I speak. Speaking and selling books seems to have a symbiotic relationship. The more I speak the more books I sell, and the more books I sell the more speaking engagements I get. Unfortunately, publishers do not seem to recognize this or (with very few exceptions) are at least reluctant to help their authors get speaking engagements (even though they know this relationship exists).

Everyone tells me that social media is the newest and best way to get exposure, and they are probably right. For someone of my age and gender though I am a bit challenged with social media. While I do have a significant Facebook presence, as a male I probably am not very good at developing the “chatty” kinds of relationships that seem to breed success through this venue. I do see many female writers however, who utilize this application very successfully (yes that probably sounds sexist—but true nonetheless). Of more importance from my perspective is developing actual relationships with my readers. Since I honestly care about my readers I go out of my way to make their experience a “personal” one any way I can. For instance, I always answer all my emails personally, and have even been known to speak with readers on the phone from time to time. That relationship then inspires them to want to help promote my books to their friends and family.

Also, I’m not sure I “get” Twitter. It seems like a monumental waste of time to me. I find it hard to believe that people as busy as Rick Warren or Mark Driscoll have the time to send out dozens of “twits” every day like I get from them. They must have assistants doing this for them. Either that or I am totally misusing my time. And I don’t often have the time to create a consistent, compelling blog to send out frequently (of which Rachelle Gardner’s and Michael Hyatt’s are two of the best). All that to say, I often pray for a young, techno-savvy administrative assistant to (inexpensively) come along and help drag me kicking and screaming into the blogasphere. I recently bit the bullet and hired a social networking consultant and she paid for herself almost instantly.

I’ve found that video blogs work pretty well to attract consumers’ attention, as do book trailers. They generate a more personal connection with the audience than just words on a computer screen. Again though, as a one-man company, it requires a lot of time, money, and energy to create, edit, and post even simple videos on sites like God Tube, You Tube, and Vimeo (and however many new ones have cropped up since I wrote this). And once posted how do you get people to actually watch them?

One area that seems to have worked well for me, even though it is somewhat difficult to track, is performing large numbers of radio and TV interviews. I worked very hard to develop a good radio presence and to have an interesting and compelling story when I appear on radio shows. This means I get asked back frequently. This exposure, combined with all the other areas mentioned above, provides multiple opportunities and venues for people to be exposed to my name, books, and message.

All that to say writing the book is the easy part. Marketing and selling your book is an entirely different and much more difficult endeavor. I think the key is to understand your strengths and spend your time and resources in those areas. For me personally, speaking to live audiences, doing radio and TV interviews, writing articles for magazines and blogs, and utilizing video clips as often as possible seems to work best. For others that may mean effectively using social networking, blogging, and e-book giveaways. Either way it’s imperative to develop a strong platform if you expect to get published (and re-published) in today’s competitive environment.